after 4 years, today it all finally ends. it's been bittersweet, and i do hope that some day i will be able to continue my studies again and work towards my dream of becoming a scientist. but work first, and this looking-for-a-job period is not going to be fun.

today czeeyong asked if i love malaysia. i do, even with our government and the apathy that has seeped into every level of our society. despite our crime rate and corrupt government officials, i do love my country, and i do wish to be part of a society that helps to change it to be wiser and more mature. malaysia has so much potential but it is slowly but surely falling apart at the hands of idiots. whyw ould i talk about my country now i do not know. but perhaps, now that i'm older, i hope to be capable of doing something more meaningful besides just study which is what i have been doing all my life.i think this optimism  has to be the death of me sometimes.

how do i wish to help? to be more specific, i do hope to be able to change the mindset in terms of environmental-wise. deep down inside me is still a hippie at heart, and i do not wish to return to redang 50 years later to see a dead island and empty sea devoid of turtles.

=/

but everything needs money. and to be able to help, i do need money. which brings me back to the issue of making money and getting a proper job.

step by step.

i hope to get where i want to soon enough.

yes yes this is rather mean but it deserves a place somewhere because it was an interesting conversation. but it was all harmless mean fun.

so we were talking about beauty and the issue about getting laid.

i know weird topic. AHAHAHA.

but you know how they talk about internal beauty and that's all that matters? my best friend may will tell you to your face that internal beauty is a myth. and i agree wholeheartedly. okay fine. maybe it is not ALL true but a lot of it does hold true. especially concerning the issue of getting laid.

but anyway i was saying, if you are pretty and you are a nice person as well, this is a 100% situation where you will get laid.

If you are pretty and a bitch, then it is of a big possibility that you will get laid too (this is where we conclude looks DO matter).

However, if you aren't blessed with awesome genes, then in my opinion, there really is no choice for the person but to gain internal beauty. One way or another, the person has to find something within him/herself in order to be nice (be it fake) in order to get laid. (this is where we conclude not all ugly people are nice, and when they are nice, sometimes it's just fake because they have to be nice inorder to fool people so that they can get laid. But of course there are the genuine people, and that's great man!!! they have a good chance of getting laid. And of course pretty people can be fake nice to but this doesn't apply anyway because they have a good chance of getting laid regardless or not whether they are faking their internal beauty).

And then there are the worst of the lot. Not pretty at all AND bitch at heart. Definitely not going to get laid ever. So these people have no choice (if they want to improve and get laid) but to find some way to possess internal beauty in order to have a chance at getting laid.

Hahaha.

And then czeeyong said beauty is subjective. Even if an ugly person is ugly, it is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe that person finds her pretty even if other people don't.

And to this I say, that is why god is fair. No matter how ugly something (someone) is, there will always be at least one person in the world who will want it.

*winks.

LAWYERED.

this is also why i am going to hell and not getting beyond a credit for tomorrow's paper.

i was kind of annoyed during my exams because i was doing a good deed for someone and she has burdened me significantly without even a single thank you or appreciation of what i have done.

there isn't any moral oblige from me to be nice to her but i did it anyway because it didn't take THAT MUCH EFFORT to do it and i always think that sometimes people have no one to turn to and by doing them a kind deed, it would inspire them to be kind to others too.

she did not take her exams this semester, presumably from a medical condition. So, when she asked me to help her pass a medical certificate and apply for deferment from the school, i said okay, sure and stopped by her house in the morning on the way to school.

i called her 10 minutes earlier, to tell her since it was really early and told her to get ready to meet me downstairs. she answered my phone and said okay sure.

i arrived 10 minutes later and messaged her that i was downstairs already.

then i called her twice. no one picked up.

at this point i was waiting for 15 minutes going on 20. exam was in an hour and a half and i have a lot more to read.

i decided to leave her house and go on to school because i couldn't afford to wait any more.

and i texted her to tell her.

she merely texted me "sorry i was asleep" an hour after my exam ended, around 12.30pm. when i arrived at her house it was 7am.  and she proceeded to ask me "where are you". at this point i just knew from past experience, that she probably want me to go to her house again to pick it up and go on to school again, pay another RM2 parking and help her again. sorry man. no. and she stopped replying after i told her i was out. i guess i'm of no use to her already anyway.

look.

it doesn't take much to acknowledge that some people have waited close to half an hour while sacrificing their revision time just to deliver some medical cert for you which you could have done by yourself anyway but were too lazy to walk 15 minutes to school.

but brushing it off and then asking for help again without even a single intention of saying thanks is just too much and reeks of taking advantage of people.

i know that she knows that i am pretty laidback in nature. even during our group work, i didn't mind doing the bulk of the work along with another girl. it's not that big of a deal because i find that it has helped me significantly for my finals. i fetch her home occasionally because it is hot and walking for that distance at that time is pretty dangerous.

but i try to think of the times when she has called me or talked to me just for the sake of saying hi , i really do not remember any single occasion where she has done that.

everytime she calls is to ask for something.

i do think i am pretty naive and dumb for being nice sometimes to strangers and acquaintances. but i am not THAT dumb.

my lecturer is as flaky as anyone can be.

despite sending us massive amounts of email to be early for our exam half an hour in advance and even going as far as sending us circulars to be there at 9am sharp, there was no one to be seen at the exam venue up until 9.40 am.

i decided to go look for him because he has the reputation of being fantastically reliable and trueenough, he was in his office chatting happily on the phone. i said to him "SIR!!! We have an exam now"

and he said "HAH!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS IN THE AFTERNOON"

and he kept insisting that it was in the afternoon despite the fact that he himself told us numerous times it was 9am in the morning.

-_-

genius.

life has settled down somewhat, and it is quietly something that i have decided to do. there will be two periods, pre crazybitch and post crazybitch.  segregating these different chapters of my life has helped me cope and i am beginning to be able to make coherent sense of more important things. even though it is a horrible scar, and certainly the amount of crazy that i really do not wish myself to be a part of, but it is time to close that chapter and move the fuck on.

maybe you should too.

i am at peace, i think.

and we are in a good place.

to start anew.

*pops champagne.

sorry for so much drama, my friends. i am ever so grateful. i am quite ashamed that i had to resort to hysterical night time telephone conversations (SORRY!! you know who you are ) but i am grateful that i have someone who is willing to pick up the phone at whatever time to listen to me.