this... is quite a nice dilemma to have. but nonetheless, a bothersome one. i do not know which direction to go and i worry about the consequences of my choices. i wish i knew which area i want to excel in i really do. can't i just split myself to three and do everything? i like having choices, i just hate deciding them.

i... like having money. there. i said it. and i haven't died. lightning did not strike me on my head.  having money means never needing to depend on your parents anymore. having money means not thinking twice when buying food, or clothes you like, or holidays. having money means staying in nicer hotels, and having more beer. and spending money on people you like.

but what if having money now is stopping me from having more money in the future? however will i get enough money to carry out my dreams then?

i don't really want much. just enough to fuel my eating habit, my drinking habit, and my travelling itch.

i've really been pushing myself all along. not really wanting to go to interviews, but forcing myself to go. being scared of the questions i'll be asked but forcing myself to go, thinking of cancelling, and then pushing that thought out of my head and forcing myself to go.

i think i am a coward in most things. i often choose DENIAL as my favourite defense mechanism. most of the time i shirk responsibility and run away from things that i am very afraid of. A motto that has always stuck by me and yet not become my life principle is to always do the thing that you are afraid of.

I wonder if anyone feels the way I do. To go through this process, of being in fear. Being scared of being socially awkward, being afraid of turning people down, or saying the wrong things, or scared that people might not call you out anymore after turning them down.

i had a lovely time spent with winnie, while she was back at home. i am glad that after so many years, i do have some one on one time with her where i could discuss some of these things with. i realise that a lot of the time, what you think about yourself, is not how most people necessarily see you. and so i hope that people do not feel so down and beat themselves up over certain things, because most of the time what they think about themselves isn't true.

and i think that, in my own way, and in my own slow and snailly pace, i have pushed myself, if only a little bit. i have pushed myself to "mingle" with strangers at a social dinner, i have pushed myself to attend interviews which i was shit scared of, (and managed to land a job offer too on my first try HEH HEH), and i have pushed myself to attempt to nab a volunteering position.

a lot of the time, i often have serious thoughts of diverting. for example, i actually thought about downing a shot of alcohol before i went to the information session and dinner by mckinsey. i even wished i had when i was in the hall surrounded by bright young minds unlike myself.

i think a lot of the time, i do take the easy way out. but it's time to grow up.

so while still living with that fear, i think at least now i'm able to cope with it.

czeeyong has managed to snap a lot of favourable pictures of me this weekend!

This was on an escalator

This was smiling goofily while talking to him

this was being mildly annoyed..

and this was asking czeeyong to come look at a giant bear.

HAHAHA.

okay i think i have fulfilled my camwhore quota for at least a month now.

i feel like an ant carrying like a giant speck of rice on my back and yet my general is still going "NOT HEAVY ENOUGH CARRY MORE SPECKS"

or like a elephant who's carrying logs in the forest and the logger is going "NOT LONG ENOUGH CARRY A BIGGER LOG"

just because you can't see it or you can't hear it doesn't mean that i'm not doing anything to achieve what i'm supposed to achieve or what i have set out to do.

and you do not have to make me feel like i'm a useless piece of crap.

at this rate, i'm just tempted to give fuck all and REALLY play games and watch tv whole day and be a couch potato. if it's what you see me doing.

damn it.

the thing about fantasy is that girls are always made to believe that guys are supposed to do these things for them, treat her like a queen, like a lady, fetch her on a horse, or in a pumpkin, and then proceed to marry her and love her every day for the rest of their lives together.

the thing about cynical people is that not only do they believe that things like that do NOT exist, they also sap the joy out of life around them and every single ounce of happiness that they are getting but do not believe they have it in the palms of their hands.

i do think that there is a horrible cynic in me. that something will always go wrong. i did say before, that sometimes i feel like there is an impending rock above my head, waiting to fall at any moment and i must always be careful, always look around before i take a single step, and always question before i make any decisions and i blame those behaviour on my not-too-shiny past.

i do want a prince charming. but i do know that they are extinct. i also do know that it's incredibly difficult to be a prince if your lady is so adamant on being the most spiteful witch on the land.

so i guess the key word here should be compromise.

after calling czeeyong a jerk, and slamming the phone on him in tears, i then proceeded to write a really long letter detailing about how i would be completely and utterly fine without him in my life. and that i would go about finding myself a boy i could bully from head to toe and someone that wasn't so mean. that didn't hate everyone in the land. but i also told him i loved him.

and after the 500 page essay, he said in a single sentence that i was silly and he loved me.

the thing is.

have you ever felt like, certain things make sense even though they are not supposed to? like how milo was never supposed to be eaten alone with bread? but we do it anyway. that's exactly how i feel.we are both very different. i do believe that everyone is to a certain degree, pleasant and "nice" until proven otherwise. he thinks that until proven otherwise, trust no one. i think we have different views in almost everything. and yet, we're together.

i'm not conventional. i'll never be. i'll never be that annoying bitch who refuses to give you up because she thinks love is forever and ever. but i'll never be that revengeful person either. i'll want nannies for any accidental future children i might have because kids are fucking annoying. i think marriage is merely a sham. and yet i do not oppose it entirely. i want a romantic guy but i don't want the whole deal you see in movies, the perfect prince charming. i want the guy that has so many flaws that you do not know where to begin to complain and yet, sits down with you on the floor in the middle of the night to have a beer or share a chocolate bar. i want that guy who takes you to this hidden alley where they serve the best hotdogs. not the guy that flashes his credit card at a fine dining restaurant. i want that guy who buys you a soft toy not because you're a girl that loves soft toys but because it reminded him of you. i want so many things.

and i can't ever shape someone to be this person in my head. because he's not real. and he doesn'texist. so i've got to start looking for these things that he is already doing for me but i am too blind to see it.

i do have a guy who downloads games specially for me on his iphone. and a guy that made my website layout from scratch. and a guy who would go for drinking sessions with me even though he hates drinking. and a guy who'd until today never fail to hug me goodbye and see me out the door. and a guy who only says i love you because he means it. someone that is so stubborn and yet, more often than not lets me have my way. a guy who would never stop me going out or make me choose my friends, just because he is not that kind of person himself.  a guy who took me to zoos and aquariums and bird parks because i thought we were getting boring. someone who bought me an entire trip to an island for my birthday because i told him i couldn't go since i was broke and he remembered that i haven't been on a beach for a really long time.

now, if only he'd buy me an iphone too.

LOL KIDDING.

funny how things turn out sometimes. how much effort you put in doesn't necessarily mean that you see returns. how the truth hurts sometimes. how you're voicing out your opinions but in the end it doesn't matter after all because people do not bother and literally fall asleep on it. how your instincts are always right. i sensed it a mile away and i was right. and i hate being right about things like that. guess ill just stay home all week as there isn't anything for me to do there either like there isn't anything to do here. and it all comes down to what is the freaking point? nobody gives a damn. you certainly do not. i'm just supposed to sit there and accept everything. talking about it certainly did not help. i just feel like i'm being taken for granted.

so why bother, after all? i'm just going to learn to keep my mouth shut and keep my keys in the drawer.