i'm going out on a limb here to say a few things and the lessons i have learnt.

when a boy tells a girl that he wonders if she really loves him because she stopped trying so much and trying to make him happy, she sets out to prove that she really loves him by trying harder and making more efforts.

she knows by doing so, she will become more attached.

and then, once she gives and gives, he disappears on her, but she tries hard to understand.

it's not easy, being angry is so much easier than being patient.

but she tries.

she even tells him nicely why and what happened and she will learn to be more patient. things end in good humour.

the boy does not pick up on whatever she tells him,and continues on being distant and not reachable.

boy always nice to girl --> girl not so nice to boy --> boy tells girl that he wonders whether she really loves him --> girl tries harder because she really does love him -->boy disappears after that -->girl tries hard to be patient and tell boy nicely -->boy does not pick up on the signs --> naturally after this, what is going to happen? make your own conclusion

i learnt a few important lessons.

lesson 1. never be bothered by people who aren't.

this is a very important lesson. because it's just going to make everyone miserable. the bothered person. and the unbothered person wondering why on earth is that person bothered.

lesson 2. never tell someone something and then make them feel neglected when they do it. not saying you actually neglected her, just saying that she feels neglected. big difference.

3. girls are just dumb people.

and with that note, i end this post with a huge giant CEST LA VIE.

Such is life.

im gona go run this off.

sometimes i have half a mind to shut down this blog. tagging my name to this space really shuts out half the thoughts in my head... probably even more than that.

i laid in bed last night with my cahzen, halfway falling asleep at 4am after watching friends with benefits and reading a combo of chicklit and intellectual books and then naturally pillow talk gave way to shit women talk about when half asleep.

she repeatedly asked me why am i still being friends with this one person even though this person has proved time and time again to be mean-spirited and crazy, and not in a good way.

i don't really know myself.

i honestly don't know how it got this way either. somewhere along the way, something gave way to crazy and i don't know how to get my friend back.

all i know is, people are always attracted to happy people. and happy people are people who don't let their problems become their identity. something like, oh this person, she's always angry. or this person, he's always miserable.

even though sometimes i am a little nuts, poor czeeyong - i kept shoving him for fun today because i was super restless HAHAHA- i try to make this my philosophy in life.

it's bad in the sense that i go all out to avoid confrontation (i.e: being a pushover), and crazily passive aggressive to a fault (i.e. leave hints everywhere such as this post ha ha ha), and brushing things off till i explode in fury, but good in the sense that i think maybe one day he will be different.or she will change.

i think my optimism blends nicely with czeeyong's cynicism =x

my other cousin thinks i'm naive for having so many fixed principles and thoughts about life. like how if i switch jobs, it would be impossible for me to get a 1k jump in salary. i honestly believe that it's entirely possible. and how a job isn't everything. and my ditzy breezy attitude towards money. how i live to eat, and not the other way around. he's not wrong, but it's not that i'm not right either.

when i was way younger, yet another cousin said that i was the craziest most rebellious kid in the family (really far from it. this was the period when i thought i was above everyone else and had a loudmouth- i was 12 years old and obnoxious, like most 12 year olds are). now, she's married and when i asked my aunt in the plane how often does her daughter goes back home to have dinner, she said never.

i thought that was so sad. and so hypocritical.

i used to be that kid who couldn't wait to get out of the house.

and that kid who hated her mother for a while.

but my biggest strength is empathy. and now, i see where my mom is coming from. where all her anger issues stemmed from. how awful she must have felt whenever we sided with dad because he was the good cop and she was the bad cop. and dad is not all that. he may be all that to us as a father, but probably not very good at being a perfect husband. how they are really socially awkward as people.

it honestly makes me love them more, the both of them.

OK-lah time to sleeps.

getting my head out of philosophy land.

often times i wonder what's in store for the future, who i'll be with, where i'll end up at, what i'll become. what i am in now, is a very...difficultly-honest relationship. difficultly-honest because sometimes i have to constantly hear things that are my worst nightmares-come true. but thing is, if it's an honest opinion, hearing what i want to hear is only fooling myself. even though the original opinion is still hurtful, at least you know how the other person feels. the struggles of maintaining and juggling a relationship is hard and often i wonder why some people never seem to run out of love for one another. for that is what i am afraid of. the fear becomes greater when you grant the other person the power to hold your heart in his hand.

it is hard for me to accept reality. that sometimes you wonder whether you are better off by yourself. what if you are holding your other half back from doing what they truly want to do? what if they are just going through the routines but am not feeling it anymore? all these questions are normal but it's hard for me to accept it. because of course, it is a blow to the ego and it hurts to know that your other half feels that way.

these are questions that are constantly there because people constantly need improving.

facing it and taking steps to tackle the issues and the problem can only improve your relationship.

i guess i need a lot of growing up to do because i hate facing all these issues, even though they bother me so much.

wouldn't it be easier if we had zero expectations from each other? : )

I just got back from a blissfully enjoyable trip with my family to the land below the wind. sabah is an amazing place, and the hippie in me was unbelievably happy when surrounded by so much green and crystal clear water. i never used to be a mountain person until probably last month in fraser's hill. i love the rainforest now! especially in mountaneous areas because it's not so hot XP it was the point when we were in the valley and the dirt road opened up to a gorgeous view of the grassland with grazing cattle and mount kinabalu in all her glory as the backdrop when i thought "i'm so lucky".

right now, i lead a semi-charmed life.

people have never been better, family has never been better, boyfriend is as sweet as ever (cough cough) and it's end of the month when i get my monay. YESSSSSSssssssssssssssssssss. all's good in the land of the looli.

friday lunches with the office peeps. and this is why i'm fat.

czeeyong always feeds me and later on calls me fat T_T he would take me out, and when i said im not hungry, he will only eat at restaurants which he knows i love to eat their food. and then i'll end up ordering something. resistance fail.

and some random sabah pix:

even xiao bai has a souvenir ^.^ the squeaky froggies are for her