scared shitless most of the time

i've really been pushing myself all along. not really wanting to go to interviews, but forcing myself to go. being scared of the questions i'll be asked but forcing myself to go, thinking of cancelling, and then pushing that thought out of my head and forcing myself to go.

i think i am a coward in most things. i often choose DENIAL as my favourite defense mechanism. most of the time i shirk responsibility and run away from things that i am very afraid of. A motto that has always stuck by me and yet not become my life principle is to always do the thing that you are afraid of.

I wonder if anyone feels the way I do. To go through this process, of being in fear. Being scared of being socially awkward, being afraid of turning people down, or saying the wrong things, or scared that people might not call you out anymore after turning them down.

i had a lovely time spent with winnie, while she was back at home. i am glad that after so many years, i do have some one on one time with her where i could discuss some of these things with. i realise that a lot of the time, what you think about yourself, is not how most people necessarily see you. and so i hope that people do not feel so down and beat themselves up over certain things, because most of the time what they think about themselves isn't true.

and i think that, in my own way, and in my own slow and snailly pace, i have pushed myself, if only a little bit. i have pushed myself to "mingle" with strangers at a social dinner, i have pushed myself to attend interviews which i was shit scared of, (and managed to land a job offer too on my first try HEH HEH), and i have pushed myself to attempt to nab a volunteering position.

a lot of the time, i often have serious thoughts of diverting. for example, i actually thought about downing a shot of alcohol before i went to the information session and dinner by mckinsey. i even wished i had when i was in the hall surrounded by bright young minds unlike myself.

i think a lot of the time, i do take the easy way out. but it's time to grow up.

so while still living with that fear, i think at least now i'm able to cope with it.

czeeyong has managed to snap a lot of favourable pictures of me this weekend!

This was on an escalator

This was smiling goofily while talking to him

this was being mildly annoyed..

and this was asking czeeyong to come look at a giant bear.

HAHAHA.

okay i think i have fulfilled my camwhore quota for at least a month now.